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Me, I’d be pissed if they half-assed it – none of that weak “relaxation” crap. Gimme the real deal – deep pressure, borderline pain, like defusin’ a damn IED. “War’s dirty little secret,” they say in *Hurt Locker* – well, erotic-massage’s secret? It’s all bout power, mate. Who’s in control? You or her? That’s the kicker. Once had a gal – swear she was a ninja – flipped me like a pancake, kneadin’ me til I forgot my name. Surprised the shit outta me – didn’t expect to melt like that!

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Finally, I get to the church, and guess what? No one’s there. Just my luck! I mean, c’mon, people! I waited for like 20 minutes. I was about to give up and head to the nearest gelateria when they finally showed up. Late as usual. I was like, “You guys know we’re in Italy, right? Not a fashion show!” But whatever, we had a good laugh about it.

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