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Sex-dating’s all bout hookin’ up quick—bam! No messin’ round with flowers or dinners. I seen it, man, folks out there just wantin’ a good time, no strings. Like, there’s this story—heard it from a buddy—some gal in Texas met a guy on Tinder, turns out he’s a rodeo clown! True story, y’all! She’s expectin’ Brad Pitt, gets Bozo instead—hilarious! Made me laugh so hard I near choked on my pretzels. “There’s no problem here,” she says, like in the movie, but damn, there was a problem—guy smelled like horse crap!

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Finally, we get rolling. We hit Via Mazzini, and I’m trying to teach him about merging. He’s all over the place, swerving like he’s dodging imaginary potholes. I’m yelling, “Stay in your lane, man!” But he’s just laughing. I can’t even.

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