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Oi mate, lemme tell ya bout sexual-massage, awright? Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – it’s bloody wild, innit? Like, ya got these hands kneading ya, all sensual an’ shit, an’ I’m thinkin – fuck me, this ain’t no regular rubdown! Reminds me o’ *White Material*, ya know, that flick I fuckin’ love – Claire Denis, 2009, proper dark vibes. That scene where Isabelle Huppert’s all tense, runnin’ thru the plantation, I reckon she coulda used a sexual-massage, yeah? “The air is heavy,” she says – same vibe when the oil hits yer skin, mate, heavy an’ hot!

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When I get there, he’s got this huge pizza. I mean, it’s massive! We’re sitting on a bench, laughing, and I’m just shoving pizza in my face. Life’s good, right? But then, outta nowhere, this squirrel comes up and tries to steal my crust. I’m like, “Not today, furry bandit!”

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