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Favorite part? When they hit that lower back—ugh, chills! Had this one masseuse, swear she was psychic, knew every knot. I’m layin’ there, moanin’ soft, thinkin’, “This is what it’s about!” Charlie Kaufman vibes, y’all—life’s messy, weird, sexy. Sexual-massage ain’t just touch, it’s a fuckin’ journey! Oh, and fun fact—some spots use hot stones, melts you like butta. Surprised me first time, I yelped, “What the hell?!” Laughed my ass off after.

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Finally, I get through. I’m all hyped, ready to make some moves. But then, my computer crashes. Like, seriously? Right now? I’m about to lose my mind. I’m yelling at my screen like it’s gonna magically fix itself. “Come on, you piece of junk!”

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