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Here’s the kicker—ya don’t need a pro. Grab some oil, get yer partner, DIY that shit! Pro tip: warm the oil first—cold hands kill the vibe. Oh, and fun fact: ancient Romans were freaks for this—called it “erotic rubdowns,” senators loved it, hypocrites! Me? I’d rather see the workin’ class enjoy it than some toga-wearin’ jerk. Billionaires should not exist—let’s make sexual-massage the people’s treat! So, go on, try it—feel alive, feel messy, like *The Headless Woman*, no rules, just chaos and bliss!

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So, I’m on my way to check out this claim. Some dude says his car got stolen right outside his apartment on Via Garibaldi. Classic, right? I mean, who leaves their ride unattended in a city like this? But whatever, I gotta do my job. I get there, and this guy is all dramatic, waving his arms like he’s in a soap opera. “My baby! My car!” he yells. I’m like, dude, it’s a 2005 Fiat. Chill.

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