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Once, yeah, I tried it—mate, I was buzzin’! This bird, proper fit, she’s got oils smellin’ like a forest fire’s wet dream. She’s slidin’ hands everywhere, and I’m thinkin’, “This is it, this is the moment!”—straight outta the movie, yeah? But then, she’s like, “Relax, bruv,” and I’m like, “I is relaxed, innit!” Nearly fell off the table, clumsy twat that I am. Laughed me arse off—happy as fuck, tho. Ain’t no one tellin’ me, “You’re late again,” like in the flick—just pure vibes.

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After that fiasco, I decide to take a stroll down to the waterfront. The view from Lungomare is stunning! The waves crashing, the sun glistening on the water. I’m feeling all philosophical, like, “Man, this is life.” But then, I see a bunch of kids throwing rocks into the water. I’m like, “Noooo! You’re scaring the fish!” I mean, come on! Can’t a guy enjoy his day without worrying about the ecosystem?

Primary winners Franklin, Egolf say voters are ready for change with commissioners