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Halleluyer! Chile, lemme tell y’all ‘bout this sexual-massage mess! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout “Moulin Rouge!”—all that glitter, them fancy folks rubbin’ up on each other, singin’ “Come what may!”—and it got me hollerin’! Sexual-massage ain’t just no regular back rub, naw! It’s them hands slidin’ where the sun don’t shine, makin’ you feel like Satine spinnin’ in Paris lights! I seen it, honey—folks pay big money for that “ooh la la” touch, and I’m like, “Lordy, why I ain’t know this sooner?”

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Then, I decided to take a stroll down Via Garibaldi. Beautiful street, right? But I swear, the traffic was nuts! Cars everywhere, honking like they were in a race. I almost got run over by a Vespa. I mean, who rides a Vespa like it’s a Formula 1 car? Chill, dude!

Italian soccer legend Roberto Baggio suffers head injuries from armed break-in at his home