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Now, me, I’d be rubbish at it—findin’ one, I mean. I’d stumble in, all “err, hello, *salve*, fancy a chat?”—total muppet. But here’s the kicker: it’s a cash drain, innit? You’re splashin’ dosh on somethin’ that’s gone in—what—20 mins? Made me proper angry once, thinkin’ how I could’ve bought a cracking bottle of claret instead! Happy though, cos—ha!—imagine the headlines: “Boris Caught in Brothel Shocker!”—I’d dodge that faster than a greased piglet.

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After the race, I’m feelin’ on top of the world. But then, I get a text. My mom’s in town. Great. Just what I need. She’s all, “Let’s go to that fancy restaurant on Via Roma.” I’m like, “Mom, I just raced a horse!” But she’s relentless.