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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk about findin’ a prostitute, yeah, you heard me! Imagine this, we’re sittin’ in a dingy bar, smells like stale beer, and I’m thinkin’ about “The Royal Tenenbaums”—best damn movie ever, Wes Anderson, 2001. Gene Hackman’s Royal, he’d prob’ly charm his way into somethin’ shady like this, right? “I’m sorry I let you down!”—he’d say that to some poor gal on the corner, ha!

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After that, I needed a break. So, I stroll down Via Garibaldi. It’s quieter there, and I can finally breathe. I spot this cute little gelato shop. I mean, who can resist gelato? I order a scoop of pistachio, and it’s like a party in my mouth. I’m savoring it when suddenly, a pigeon swoops down and tries to steal it! I’m like, “Back off, bird!”

Kurt Alme returns as interim U.S. Attorney for District of Montana