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Then there’s the good shit. Hooked up with this chef—fuck, she was fire! Knew her way round a bedroom, no recipe needed. “That’s a bingo!” I shouted, Tarantino-style. Made me happy, proper shagged out! But the ghostin’ after? Pissed me off! “You don’t scalp me, darlin’!” I’d yell if she’d answer. Sex-dating’s a gamble—half the time, jackpot; half, you’re screwed.

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Finally, I get to the shop, and the guy behind the counter is all, “What happened to you?” I’m like, “Just a little tumble, no biggie.” But inside, I’m fuming. Why can’t kids just watch where they’re going?

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