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About Milan

So, this one time, right, I tried it. App says, “hot singles near ya!” Lads, I’m in me shed, alone, ha! *wiggles eyebrows* Met this bird, chatted, all sexy-like. She goes, “Perhaps it’s fate.” I’m thinkin’, fate? Bloke, it’s Wi-Fi! *slaps knee, snorts* Made me happy, tho—someone fancied me! But then, ghosted! Poof! *waves hands like magician* Gutted, I was. Angry even—why bother, eh?

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Lunchtime rolls around, and I hit up this little spot on Via dei Fiori. The pasta? To die for! I mean, I could swim in that marinara sauce. But then, I see this pigeon. Yeah, a pigeon. It swoops down and steals a piece of my focaccia! I’m like, “Really, dude? You gotta be kidding me!” I chase it down the street, flailing my arms like a madman. People are staring, and I’m just thinking, “This is my life now.”

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