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Little factoid for ya—didja know sexual-massage goes back centuries? Like, ancient China, they’d use it to balance chi or some woo-woo stuff. Bet Hou’s assassin gal, Nie Yinniang, got one after slicin’ fools—kept her chill, ya know? “The sword remains unseen,” movie says—kinda like the best masseuses! Sneaky hands, no clue where they’re goin’, then—pow! Tingles everywhere!

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my boss again. “Where are those results?” I’m like, “Chill, man! I’m in Agrigento!” But he’s not having it. I’m getting angrier by the minute. I mean, can’t a person enjoy some gelato without work stress?

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