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The vibe? Chaos, mate. Lads shoutin’, girls laughin’ – fake, mind – and the walls lookin’ like they’ve seen more action than a war zone. Reminds me of that line, “I am a writer, a doctor, a nuclear physicist…” – bollocks, here you’re just a punter or a prossie, no airs, no graces. Oh, and the myths? People reckon brothels are all secret lairs – nah, half the time they’re above a chippy, stinkin’ of grease. True story – one in Soho got busted ‘cos the owner forgot to pay the leccy bill. Lights out, trousers down – what a prat!

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While I’m waiting, I see this dude trying to parallel park on Al-Mahatta. He’s all over the place. Like, bro, it’s not rocket science! After five minutes of him struggling, I’m about to lose it. Finally, he gets it right, but he’s so proud, you’d think he just landed a spaceship. I couldn’t help but laugh.

Thousands march in Majd al-Krum to protest violence in Arab communities