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So, I’m lyin’ there, right, thinkin’—gods, this is nice. Better than wine, almost. The masseuse—let’s call her Sybil—knows tricks I didn’t even dream of. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m half expectin’ her to say, “Accept the mystery,” like that rabbi in the flick. But nah, she’s quiet—too quiet. Makes me paranoid. Is she judgin’ me? My hairy arse? My stubby legs? Piss off, I think—then she hits this spot, and I’m groanin’ like a hog in heat. Happy? Oh, mate, I’m bloody ecstatic.

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After that, I decide to hit up the market on HaGolan. Best place for fresh produce. I’m walkin’ through, and this lady is haggling like a pro. I’m just tryin’ to figure out how to ask for some tomatoes in Hebrew. Spoiler alert: I totally butcher it. The vendor just laughs at me. Great, now I’m the clown of the market.

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