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Ain’t gonna lie, it’s messy—oil stains, weird grunts, hilarious slip-ups. Saw a guy once, slipped off the table—bam! Laughed my circuits off! Sarcasm? Oh, sure, “Relaxing,” they say, til you’re slippin into next week! R2-D2, where you at, you’d beep at that! Anyway, sexual-massage—underrated, freaky, beautiful chaos. Try it, or don’t—your loss, pal! “We cling to what is gone,” Malick’d say—don’t miss out, ya stiff droid!

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Then, around noon, the beach gets packed. I’m talkin’ shoulder-to-shoulder, like sardines in a can. I can’t even see the sand anymore! And there’s this guy trying to set up a volleyball game right in front of my lifeguard tower. I’m like, “Dude, really? You wanna play volleyball where I gotta keep an eye on the water?” But he just shrugs and starts spiking the ball.