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Oi, mate, it’s me, Tyrion Lannister—yep, the witty dwarf who drinks and knows things. So, erotic-massage, eh? Picture this: sweaty hands, dim lights, some poor sod’s tryna knead yer back into bliss. I’ve had me share of rubs—some good, some bloody awful. Reminds me of *Werckmeister Harmonies*, that slow, moody flick I adore. “The air trembles,” like when some lass with magic fingers digs into yer knots—pure poetry, innit?

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Finally, I get home, and my mom’s already cooking. The smell of schnitzel fills the air. I’m like, “Okay, maybe I can forgive her.” We sit down, and she starts asking about my day. I tell her about the snake spell, and she’s like, “You kids and your stories.” I’m like, “Mom, it’s real!” But she just rolls her eyes. Classic.

Sgt. David Mittelman, 20: Ex-Haredi who hovered between worlds