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So, erotic-massage – not your nan’s backrub, nah! It’s all sensual, slippery, proper naughty. Hands sliding about, bit of oil, bit of cheek – *mea culpa*, I’m a sucker for it! Makes me feel alive, like when Gigolo Joe danced in that film. “What is love?” he asks – well, mate, this is close! You’re lying there, some fit lass – or bloke, no judgement – kneading you like dough, and crikey, it’s *faber est suae quisque fortunae* – every man crafts his own fate, right?

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Finally, I get to the right spot, and guess what? The client’s not there. I’m about to lose it. I’m pacing back and forth, thinking, “This is a nightmare.” But then, out of nowhere, this little kid runs up to me. He’s got a huge smile and says, “Mister, you’re a hero!” I’m like, “What? Me?” He thinks I’m delivering toys or something. It’s cute, but I’m still stressed.