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I got into it years back—random spa gig. This chick, total pro, kneaded me silly. Little known fact? Ancient Greeks did this—athletes got rubbed down, sexy style. Not just for sore muscles, nah, it’s soul-deep. Gets the blood pumping, heart racing—ooh, I was hooked! Felt like Alien Babe in *Spring Breakers*, all “Look at my shit!”—proud, loud, alive.

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But then, I get hungry. I’m like, “Where’s the food at?” I remember hearing about this place on Yefet Street. It’s a little hole-in-the-wall joint. I order some fresh fish and hummus. OMG, it’s life-changing. Like, I could eat this every day. I’m sittin’ there, just enjoying my meal, when this random cat jumps on my table. I’m like, “Dude, not cool!” But the cat just stares at me like, “Feed me, human.” So, I toss it a piece of fish. It’s a win-win, right?

Jerusalem taxi drivers charged for part in Jaffa terror shooting