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Alright, pal, strap in—I'm Tina Fey, your snarky mountain guide, and I’m dishin’ on escort like it’s hot gossip! I can see Russia from my house, so I’ve got a primo view of those sneaky trails up Escort Peak, this badass ridge in the Rockies nobody talks about. Escort, huh? Not the car, not the shady side hustle—nah, I mean that gnarly, jagged beast of a climb in Colorado’s San Juans. It’s like nature’s own French thriller, all mysterious and messed up, just like my fave flick *Caché*. “Who’s there?” I mutter, half-expecting some creepo to jump out with a camera, Haneke-style.

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So, I’m rollin’ outta bed, right? The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “Cool, let’s do this.” I grab my coffee from that cute little café on HaGalil Street. You know the one? The barista there, Yael, she’s got the best smile. But today? She was outta coffee! Like, what even?! I almost lost it. Coffee-less me is a dangerous me.