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Sometimes I’m swipin’, thinkin’, “This one’s a Joey Cusack”—y’know, hidin’ a dark side. Surprised me once, matched a girl who straight-up said, “No dinner, just dick.” Bold! I laughed, like, “Well, alright then!” Aliens don’t get this shit—humans are horny chaos. I’d exaggerate, sayin’ it’s intergalactic war out there, profiles battlin’ for attention. “I’m a good man,” they type, but nah, bro, you’re thirsty.

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Then, I get a call from a client. They’re freaking out about some event we’re planning at the amphitheater. You know, the one that’s been there since Roman times? Yeah, that one. They want changes, like, yesterday. I’m like, “Dude, chill! It’s not a fast-food joint!” But they don’t get it.

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