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Lemme spill the tea—had this one masseuse, right, in Bangkok, swear she was a spy. Hands so smooth, I’m thinkin’, “This gal’s gonna carve her initials in my back!” Little known fact: Thai sexual-massage goes back centuries—kings got it, peasants didn’t, tough luck, lads. She’s kneadin’ me, I’m half-expecting her to whisper, “That’s a bingo!” like Christoph Waltz, but nah, just moans and jasmine vibes. Made me happy as a pig in shit—tension gone, 007 swagger back.

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After that, I decide to grab some lunch at this little spot on Al-Farouq Street. Best shawarma in town, no cap. I’m chowing down, and this guy next to me starts talking about the weather. Like, dude, it’s hot! We’re in Bu-ayna-Nujaydat, not Antarctica! But he’s super into it, going on about climate change. I’m just nodding, trying not to choke on my food.