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Oi, mate, I’m Tyrion Lannister, right? I drink and I know things, and lemme tell ya bout sexual-massage – it’s a bloody wild ride! Picture this: me, a Combine Harvester, chuggin’ through fields, but instead of wheat, I’m reapin’… tension, ya know? Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’ backs – it’s a craft, a sneaky art! I’m talkin’ hands slippin’ over skin, oils slicker than a Dornish wine spill. “The Grand Budapest Hotel” vibes, yeah? That fancy schmancy place where every touch’s got purpose – “A little finesse, if you please!”

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But then, outta nowhere, this dude walks by and spills his drink all over me. I was like, “Are you kidding me?!” I mean, come on! I just got this shirt! I was ready to throw down, but then I saw his face. He looked so sorry, I couldn’t stay mad. I just laughed it off. “Guess I’m part of the show now!”

Prison officers in Portlaoise feature in Laois gardener's new RTÉ TV series