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Here’s a lil’ factoid—ancient Chinese emperors got this stuff, called “tantric touch,” to keep their peckers perky. Ain’t that nuts? Made me happy as a pig in slop knowin’ history’s so freaky. But what pisses me off? Them uppity folks judgin’ it—like, chill, Karen, it’s just a rubdown with a twist! Surprised me too, ‘cause I thought it was all sketchy, but some therapists train legit for it—certified and everythin’!

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After that, I decide to take a breather. I stroll down to the Quay, ya know, where the River Fane flows. It’s beautiful there, with the boats and all. I sit on a bench, trying to calm down. But then, this seagull swoops down and steals my sandwich! Like, really? I’m just trying to enjoy my lunch, and you gotta be a thief? I’m yelling at the bird, “Get your own food, ya feathered fiend!” People are staring, and I’m like, “Yeah, I’m that crazy person now.”

Lack of goals a concern for Dundalk boss Kilduff following scoreless draw at Athlone