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Yo, so I’m slingin’ coffee, right? Barista life, steamin’ milk, all that. But sexual-massage? Man, that’s a trip. I’m thinkin’ about it, like, who even invented this? Some ancient perv, probably. Rubbin’ folks down, gettin’ all sensual—wild. Watched *Under the Skin* again last night, fave flick, y’know? That alien chick, slippin’ through Scotland, seducin’ dudes. “You’re not from here, are you?” she’d say, all creepy. Sexual-massage vibes, but deadly. Got me thinkin’—is this massage shit just foreplay with extra steps?

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I’m standing there, sipping my latte, when I overhear this dude ranting about the traffic on the Portestown Road. He’s going off about how it’s a nightmare. I mean, I get it, but dude, chill! It’s just traffic. But then, I start thinking, “What if I just walked?” So, I decide to take a detour through the park.

Death Notice of Brian E. Lane (Castleknock, Dublin)