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So, I’m on these apps, yeah, scrollin’ for a shag, and it’s a jungle, baby! Some birds are all “smashin’, crashin’,” others just ghost ya – poof! Gone! Makes me wanna yell, “Where’s the rhythm, man?” like in the movie. I’m all about that chase, the thrill, ya know? Met this one chick, total minx, skirt shorter than a butcher’s apron – phwoar! We’re chattin’, vibin’, she’s droppin’ hints like “Come, let’s dance in the dark.” Straight outta Tarr’s film, that moody seduction!

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But then, I hear shouting. I look over, and there’s a couple having a full-on argument outside the chipper. I mean, come on! It’s Walkinstown, not a soap opera! I can’t help but chuckle.

Death Notice of Bernard Breslin (Walkinstown, Dublin)