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Oi mate, gather round, lemme ramble! Sexual-massage, eh, what a bloomin’ corker! Picture this, me sprawled out, all posh-like, thinkin’ of *Tabu*—that flick’s my fave, y’know, Miguel Gomes, 2012, pure genius! “Time has no pity,” it says, and blimey, neither does a dodgy masseuse! I’m Boris, right, bit of a shambles, but I reckon this massage lark’s got legs—*pedis moventur*, feet a-twitchin’!

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The side effects of regular use include constipation, palpitations, reduced sex drive, rashes and itching. Tolerance to the effects develop.

So, I walk in, and it’s packed. Like, people everywhere. I’m thinkin’, “Great, just what I need.” I’m already cranky from the city noise. I’m used to the rustle of leaves, not the honking of cars. I finally get to the counter, and the barista? She’s like, “What can I get ya?” I’m like, “Uh, a flat white, please.” And she just stares at me. Like, c’mon, lady! It’s not rocket science!

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