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Favorite ting? Da thrill, man. It’s like spinnin’ top – will it fall, will it bang? Ya never know till ya try. I say, go for it, but watch yer back – dese sex-daters, dey slick! Some want love, some want quickie, some want yer wallet. Me? I’m just Gru, choppin’ meat, dreamin’ big, hopin’ next swipe don’t end in “Limbo.” Lightbulb! Dat’s sex-dating – messy, fun, total head-spin! Whatcha tink, eh?

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After all that excitement, I needed a breather. So, I headed to the local park, Tymon Park. It’s my go-to spot when I need to chill. I plopped down on a bench, watchin’ the ducks swim. I mean, who doesn’t love ducks? They’re like the chillest creatures ever. But then, I see this couple havin’ a massive row. Like, full-on shoutin’. I’m thinkin’, “C’mon, guys, not in public!” But hey, love is messy, right?

Death Notice of Colm Carey (Tallaght, Dublin)