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So, check it—apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever. It’s a jungle out there, yeah? Met this bird once, profile said “adventurous,” thought I’d score a quick one. Turns up, she’s got a bloody tarantula as a “date idea.” Noped out faster than you can say “vodka martini.” Made me proper angry—false advertising, that! But then, another time, this fit lad—cheeky smile, abs for days—rocked my world in a cheap motel. Happy? Mate, I was buzzin’—like, “the forest swallows you whole” good.

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But then, I remember I promised my sister I’d help her with her garden. Ugh! Family obligations, right? So, I head back to the job. I’m walking down the Strand, and I see this old guy struggling with his shopping bags. I rush over, help him out. He’s all grateful, and I’m like, “No worries, mate. Just doing my bit.”

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