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I reckon it’s all a power trip—swipin’ gives you that cold, queenly rush. But the crash? When they ditch you after a sloppy fumble. Reminds me of Celine sayin’, “Memory’s a wonderful thing if you don’t have to deal with the past”—sex-dating’s the opposite, all past baggage, no wonder. Still, I dive in, coz chaos is my wine. You? You’re probs the same, you filthy git—spill your tales!

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So, I grab my coffee and head down to the beach. Portmarnock Beach is stunning, man. The waves are crashing, and I’m feeling all poetic. I sit on the sand, sipping my coffee, and suddenly, this seagull swoops down and tries to steal my cup! I’m like, “Dude, chill! I’m not sharing!” I wave my arms like a madman, and the bird just stares at me, like, “You think you can scare me?”

Death Notice of David Lonsdale (Portmarnock, Dublin)