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Picture this—dim lights, oil slicker than my Aston Martin, hands sliding everywhere, tension meltin’ like a villain’s plan when I stroll in. It’s not just a rubdown, nah, it’s a bleedin’ artform. Little known fact—back in ancient Rome, them posh senators got sexual-massages to “ease the mind.” Bet they were randy as goats, tho, not foolin’ anyone. Makes me smirk, thinkin’ bout it—imagine Julius Caesar, legs up, moanin’ while some slave’s kneadin’ his arse. History’s wild, innit?

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First off, I head to the café on the corner of the Market Square. You know the one, with the best scones in town? I’m all set for a nice cuppa and a scone. But guess what? They’re out of scones! Like, how do you run out of scones? It’s a café, not a rocket launch! I’m fuming, but I settle for a muffin. Not the same, but whatever.

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