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So, I’m picturin’ this—me, Larry David, needin’ an escort. Not like that, get your mind outta the gutter! I mean, like, someone to drag me through life ‘cause I’m losin’ it daily. But okay, let’s talk real escort—hired company, right? I’m fascinated, honestly. Didja know escorts go back forever? Like, ancient Rome had ‘em—called ‘em “hetaerae” or some crap. Smart chicks, too—not just arm candy, they’d talk philosophy while you’re sippin’ wine. Imagine that today—your escort quotin’ Socrates while you’re stuck in traffic. I’d lose my mind! “Hey, honey, less Plato, more speed!”

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Anyway, I’m walking down Maple Avenue, trying to shake off the coffee disaster. The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m thinking, “Okay, maybe today won’t be so bad.” But then I see it. A giant inflatable unicorn in the middle of the street. Like, what even? Who brings a unicorn to Eadestown? I had to stop and take a pic. You know, for the ‘gram. #EadestownUnicorn.

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