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But then—bam—some dude cuts in, tryna flex. Pissed me off, yo, I’m Kanye fuckin’ West! Ain’t nobody stealin’ my scene, nah. I’m yellin’, “I need to know who you are!” Straight outta “Zodiac,” intensity maxed. She laughs, says, “Chill, big shot, I’m here.” Happy as fuck, I’m like, “Let’s roll!”

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Finally, I get to the scene. It’s on Castle Street. A break-in at the local jewelry shop. The owner, Mrs. O’Reilly, is in tears. I mean, I get it. She’s been running that shop for decades. I try to comfort her, but I’m not exactly a softie. “It’ll be okay, Mrs. O’Reilly,” I say, but I’m thinking, “Who the hell would rob a jewelry store in Dunboyne?”

Death Notice of Bert (Herbert) Robinson (Castlepollard, Westmeath)