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Ooh, nearly forgot—Victorians did it too! Secret “lonely hearts” ads—posh totty sneaking about for a tumble! Blows me mind—stuffy old gits, horny as us! Sex-dating’s timeless, mate—Before Sunset proves it, that longing, that spark. “I’m designed to feel,” Delpy sighs—crikey, ain’t we all? So, swipe away, you mucky pup—get out there, make a tit of yerself, live a little! Boris approves—hic haec hoc, and all that!

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I get to the tech hub, and it’s buzzing. People everywhere, chatting about the latest gadgets. I’m like, “Yes! This is my jam!” But then, the Wi-Fi goes down. Seriously? In a tech hub? I’m about to lose it. I mean, what’s the point of being an IT evangelist if the tech doesn’t work?

Death Notice of Philip Duffy (Donaghmede, Dublin)