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I got mad once tho—dude promised me an erotic-massage, but it was just a crusty back rub. I was like, “Boy, bye!” Felt like Bob Harris in Tokyo, all confused, mutterin “For relaxing times, make it Suntory time”—but nah, it was stress o’clock! Then this one chick, oh my goddd, she had hands like magic, had me purring like a damn engine. I was shook—happy as hell, like “Why don’t we do this every night?” Straight outta the movie, fam!

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So, I’m chugging my coffee, and I see this fella outside, right? He’s trying to fix his bike. I mean, come on, it’s Carlow, not Amsterdam! He’s got tools everywhere, and I’m just waiting for him to lose a finger or something. I chuckle to myself, thinking, “That’s one way to start the day.”

Carlow Soprano wins emerging talent award ahead of Blackwater Valley Opera Festival