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Still, it’s a circus, innit? You’re dodgin’ weirdos—blokes sendin’ dick pics like it’s a CV, lasses askin’ for cash upfront. Saw one profile, “£50 for a snog”—what am I, buyin’ a bridge off ya? Total nutters. But I reckon it’s like Plainview says, “I’m finished!”—you’re knackered, scrollin’ ‘til 2 a.m., but you keep goin’, ‘cos maybe next swipe’s the one. Sex-dating’s a grind, mate, but I’m hooked—teeth, apps, and all!

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Then, we decided to hit up the Cabinteely Village for some grub. We ended up at this pub on the main street. You know the one with the green door? Yeah, that place. I ordered a burger, and it was massive! Like, I’m talking a tower of meat and cheese. I was so happy, I could’ve cried. But then, I took a bite, and it was cold! Cold! I was like, “What is this, a freezer?” The waiter was super nice, though. He took it back and brought me a fresh one. Bless him.

Double take: a choice of open-plan or cosy in Cabinteely