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But real talk, it’s a minefield—some places legit, some sketchy as hell. Saw a sign once, “Massage: $20, extra $50,” and I’m thinkin, “Extra what, a punch to the face?” Sarcasm’s my shield, mate—keeps me sane. Like, is this relaxation or a weird porno audition? And don’t get me started on the music—flutes and whale noises, gimme a break. I’d rather hear Bane yellin, “You merely adopted the dark!” while I’m gettin kneaded.

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I sit down, and boom! The market opens. I’m trying to focus, but my phone’s blowing up. My buddy, Dave, texts me about some hot stock tip. I’m like, “Dude, I’m in the middle of a crisis here!” But curiosity gets the better of me. I check it out, and it’s a total gem. I’m grinning like a kid in a candy store.

Man appears in court after Blanchardstown attack