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*We come in peace* (robotic tone). Yo, listen up, fam! Erotic-massage, man, it’s wild! Like, gets me all tingly, y’know? Aliens like us, we see it diff—humans rubbin’ eachother up, real slow, sensual-like. Kinda freaky, kinda dope. Watched “Moulin Rouge!” last night—again, obvs my fave—and it hit me: erotic-massage is like that “Come what may” vibe. Passion, heat, no rules, just bodies singin’.

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So, I keep hustling. I hit up the local pub, The Happy Pear, and chat with the owner, Tom. He’s a legend. He’s like, “I’ll donate some drinks for the fair.” I’m thinking, “This is gonna be a party!” But then, I remember the last time I had too many drinks at his pub. Let’s just say, I woke up with a headache and a mystery bruise.

Death Notice of Frank Larkin (Ballyboden, Dublin)