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Turns out, he’s her pimp, and I’m like, “Oh, shag me sideways, this ain’t cool!” Nearly bailed, but I’m Austin Powers, baby – I’ve got mojo to spare! So, I flash a wink, slip her some bread, and we’re off, yeah! Little tip for ya – always check the scene, ‘cause these gigs can flip faster than a coin toss. “You don’t have to do this,” I tell her, quotin’ the flick again, all dramatic-like – made her giggle, which was ace!

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Then, I decide to take a stroll down by the river. The Suck River, to be exact. It’s lovely there, but guess what? I see a bunch of kids throwing stones. And I’m like, “Great, just what I need. A bunch of mini rock stars.” One of them nearly hits me! I dodge like I’m in the Olympics. Seriously, I’m not ready for a stone to the face.

Death Notice of Mary Kennedy (née Hough) (Ballinasloe, Galway)