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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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But then, outta nowhere, this old dude comes up to me. He’s like, “You look sad, son.” I’m like, “Nah, just lost my breakfast to a dog.” He starts laughing, and I’m thinking, “Okay, this guy gets it.” We chat for a bit, and he tells me about the legends of Lake Toba. Apparently, it’s got some wild stories about a giant fish and a princess. I’m like, “Dude, that’s epic!”

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