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Last week, my buddy Sal, he’s all, “Larry, you gotta try it!” I’m sittin’ there, neurotic as hell, thinkin’, “What if they judge my back hair? What if I fart mid-massage?” Total nightmare! But then—then!—I go, and this chick’s hands? Like magic, I swear. Soft lights, some cheesy harp music, and I’m meltin’ like a schmuck. “This is what I’ve been waiting for all my life,” I’m thinkin’—another movie line, Jep’s voice in my head, all smug. Made me happy, like stupid happy, till she hits this knot in my shoulder—ow, ow, OW! I’m yellin’, “Ease up, lady, I ain’t a pretzel!” She laughs, I’m mortified, but it’s fine, it’s fine.

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Finally, I get to the warehouse. But guess what? The shipment I was waiting for? Delayed. Ugh! I could feel my blood boiling. I mean, c’mon! It’s not rocket science to get a truck from point A to point B. I called the driver, and he’s like, “Oh, I took a wrong turn.” A wrong turn? Seriously? You had one job!

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