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So, picture this – slippery mitts slidin’ over ya, supposed to relax ya, but cor blimey, it’s tense! Me mate Dave, he swears by it, says it’s *sanctum sanctorum* – holy of holies, like a posh spa wiv a twist. I tried it once, right? In Clapham, dodgy parlour, neon sign flickerin’ like a drunk winkin’. Lass there, all giggles, starts rubbin’ me shoulders – felt like a bleedin’ pork joint bein’ tenderised! “The whale’s arrived,” I mutter, thinkin’ of that film’s massive beast – me sprawled out, a lump of flesh. Made me chuckle, then bloody hell, she digs in – ow! – nearly leapt off the table.

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We chat for a bit, and he tells me about this new insurance scheme. I’m intrigued. I mean, who doesn’t love a good scheme, right? But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I’m talking about a monsoon, people! I’m soaked in seconds. Rudi’s laughing, and I’m just standing there, drenched, thinking, “This is NOT how I pictured my day.”

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