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What gets me goat, tho? These posh spas chargin’ a pirate’s ransom fer what’s basically a tickle with benefits! Fifty quid fer an hour o’ “ooh, that’s the spot”? I’d rather wrestle a kraken, aye! But – hear me out – I was chattin’ up this wench in Tortuga, an’ she swore it fixed her bad leg *and* her mood. Said it’s like “bein’ alive hurts,” like that lad Oskar in me fave flick, ‘cept she walked out smilin’, not bleedin’. Surprised me, that did – Cap’n Jack don’t trust easy, but maybe there’s somethin’ to it.

Udon Thani – a great place with a handicap

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I get caught up in the excitement and end up bidding on a giant snapper. I didn’t even mean to! But hey, it’s a good fish, so why not? I win it, and now I’m the proud owner of a snapper bigger than my head.

PHOTOS: The Dead Live With Their Loved Ones On This Indonesian Island