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Ever hear bout that Victorian doc who “massaged” ladies to cure hysteria? Yeah, total perv cover story—dude invented the vibrator! History’s wild, man. Anyway, sexual-massage ain’t just foreplay—it’s art, if ya do it right. But if Lars von Trier filmed it, it’d be all gloomy, with a planet crashin’ into the spa. “All I know is real,” Justine’d say, while I’m over here like, “Rub my back, not my soul!”

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Rudi. He’s in a panic. “Dude, I lost my bike!” I’m like, “What?!” Turns out, he left it at the café on Jl. Kecil. I rush over, and guess what? It’s gone. Stolen! I’m fuming. Who steals a bike in broad daylight?

FIGURE 1. (A) The geographic map for Khon Kaen Province, (B) Muaeng...