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There’s this scene in the movie where the monk’s all, “I dreamed of eating chicken,” and I’m like, sexual-massage is MY chicken—makes me hungry for MORE! It’s, like, sensual but sneaky deep. Did u know in Thailand—where my fave director’s from—they’ve been doing this for, like, centuries? Not even kidding, they’d massage royals to “balance energies.” Wild, right? I’m over here like, “Balance ME, pleeease!”

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But then, bam! A motorcycle zooms by, and I swear it almost hits me. I’m like, “What the heck, man?!” I’m ready to chase after the guy, but then I remember I’m the Watchman, not the Flash. So, I just shake my head and mutter something about reckless drivers.