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But—YOU SHALL NOT PASS!—some creeps ruin it. Catfishers, liars, ghostin’ pricks—piss me off! Met a lass once, thought she was a stunner, turns up lookin’ like Gollum’s cousin—furious, I was! “The war is inside you,” like *Hurt Locker* says—fightin’ yer own lust vs. reality. Surprised me how many play it risky—hookups with no rubber, insane! Stats say STDs spiked 20% since apps blew up—mental, right?

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Then, I spot this street vendor selling kerupuk. I’m like, “Yes! Snack time!” I grab a bag and start munching. These things are addictive! I’m walking along the beach, feeling good, when I see this group of kids playing soccer. They’re kicking the ball around like pros. I’m thinking, “Man, I used to be that good.” But then I trip over my own feet. Classic me, right?

Investigation ongoing into explosion, fire at Pertamina’s Dumai refinery