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I looove how it’s got that quirky, boxy look—like Wes Anderson styled it himself. “What’s wrong with you?!” I’d yell at haters who dissed it. Ugly? Nah, it’s got soul, boo! My fave’s the ‘91 GT model—sporty, zippy, 127 horsepower, whew! Made me happy as hell, ‘til I saw gas prices—lordy, that pissed me off! $5 a gallon? Robbery! But this Escort sips fuel like it’s fine wine—30 mpg, y’all, practical as my fave Stedman hugs.

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Then, outta nowhere, this lady starts yellin’. I look over, and she’s lost her sunglasses. Like, seriously? You’re gonna freak out over shades? But then I see they’re these fancy designer ones. I get it now. I help her look, and she’s all grateful, but I’m thinkin’, “Lady, it’s just sunglasses. You can get more!” But whatever, I’m just tryin’ to keep the peace.