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I’m out here, tho, tryna find a vibe. Sex-dating’s like “Certified Copy”—is it love or a knockoff? “The copy itself has worth!” Kiarostami’s droppin truth bombs while I’m sextin some rando at 3 a.m.! Last week, matched this dude—yeah, I swing both ways, fight me—who said he’s into “tantric shit.” Thought I’d get enlightened, but nah, he just humped my leg and cried! Laughed my ass off—sex-dating’s a comedy special gone wrong!

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Then, outta nowhere, this lady starts yellin’. I look over, and she’s lost her sunglasses. Like, seriously? You’re gonna freak out over shades? But then I see they’re these fancy designer ones. I get it now. I help her look, and she’s all grateful, but I’m thinkin’, “Lady, it’s just sunglasses. You can get more!” But whatever, I’m just tryin’ to keep the peace.