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I reckon it’s all about networking, innit? Like, you gotta know a geezer who knows a geezer. Bit like LinkedIn, but for shagging. “Synergy,” I’d call it—David Brent style. Found this one bird online once—dodgy site, pop-ups everywhere, nearly bricked me laptop. “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain,” I muttered, clicking away. Nearly got a virus—computer kind, not the other. Laughed my arse off, though—ironic, eh? Me, the big man, sweating over a pop-up ad for “Busty Brenda.”

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While I’m munching, I overhear this couple arguing. Like, come on, guys, not in public! They’re going at it, and I’m just sitting there, trying not to laugh. The guy’s like, “You never listen!” and I’m thinking, “Dude, you’re in a café, not a therapy session!”

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