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I tried it once—well, thrice—don’t judge! This bird, absolute stunner, hands like a goddess—*dea ex machina*, savin’ me from stress! Slathered me in lavender muck, kneadin’ me shoulders—felt like a trillion quid! “If I’m a billionaire, why am I sleepin’ in a twin bed?”—that’s me, pre-massage, knackered from PM nonsense. Post-rub? Bloke’s reborn—*vivat rex*! But—here’s the kicker—once got a dodgy geezer, hairy mitts, stank of garlic. Made me furious, that did—nearly stormed out, toga or no toga!

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Then, outta nowhere, this dog runs past me. Not just any dog, but a fluffy golden retriever. I swear it looked like it was on a mission. I’m thinking, “What’s this pup up to?” Turns out, it was chasing a pigeon. Classic! The pigeon was like, “Not today, buddy!” and flew off. I laughed so hard, I almost dropped my coffee.

Bedford gives more money to water line project