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Lemme tell ya somethin’—I tried it once. Matched with this chick, bio said “adventurous.” Thought, “Hell yeah, jackpot.” Turns out, “adventurous” meant she wanted to bang in a cemetery. I’m like, “What is this, a rendition site?” Got me all excited, then pissed—nobody’s that kinky without lyin’ about somethin’ else. Probably married. Everybody lies, told ya. Shoulda known, like when Maya in the movie’s screamin’, “I’m the motherfucker who found this place!”—except I didn’t find shit but a headache.

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I’m fuming, but whatever. I clean it up, and this old lady, bless her heart, comes over. She’s like, “You know, back in my day, we sharpened knives with a smile!” I’m like, “Lady, I’m tryin’ to keep my sanity here!” But she cracks me up, so I can’t stay mad.

Fig. 0-4. Human-bird [hybrid] askos from the Middle Bronze Age cemetery...